Be still in the presence of the Lord and be patient for him to act. -Psalm 37:7
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. -Philippians 4:6
Two things I seriously struggle with are making my mind still, and being patient with, well, anything. Yet this is what God wants from me. I am in a season of waiting right now, and I hate it. I feel like everything I want so deeply is out of my reach and my control. I’ve prayed for months about things that don’t happen, don’t change, and all I seem to hear from God is “Wait,” “Not yet.” My future seems up in the air and unclear from my perspective. I know this is not at all the case for God. I know this, but the waiting is still so hard.
A dear friend once told me that I have trust issues with God. That piece of truth has never been more evident than now. During this season, I have failed to be still, failed to be patient, failed to cease worrying, and definitely failed to give thanks. Instead, I have developed an anxious, controlling, attitude of self-pity. Through this time, these issues have come to the surface in many aspects of my life. I wish I could impress you and say that I had a profound experience or epiphany that set me straight. Sorry, but no. This has been a painfully slow process. It’s embarrassing to think of how many lessons I have to re-learn the hard way. It was definitely painful when I came to the realization (again) that I was not trusting God at all. I hope to one day get to the point when God says “Wait” I can say “OK God, I trust you” before trying to take control of the situation myself. In this season of waiting, I have had no choice but to turn things over to God. That is my only option left. But shouldn’t that have been my first choice? Again, answering that one is painful.
I am still waiting, but that’s ok. God’s timing has been vastly better than mine every single time. I am learning how to be still, how to be patient, and how to talk to God about everything. These things alone are worth the waiting. I am learning to give thanks in the difficulties and be joyful in trials. I am blessed in so many ways that I take for granted or don’t acknowledge. God has quietly reminded me of this. If He never answered another prayer he would still have given me much more than I ever deserved. That is incredibly humbling, and has changed the way I think about the trials I am experiencing now. I know God is teaching me and growing me in areas now that I will need in my future. Though I may not know what that future looks like, I am choosing to look to Him in the waiting. To give thanks for my countless blessings, and wait for God to blow my mind with the plans he has for me.